Don’t Touch That!

‘Don’t Touch That!’ is a song by MC Kreacher.

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2. Don’t Touch That!
MC Kreacher
Alone in the Dark (1 May 2009, rereleased 2 April 2021)

Bandcamp

The House of Black was a palace once
Now, I’m trapped making lunch for this Mudblood Brady Bunch

I’m just trying to maintain (yeah)
Twelve Grimmauld Place, Black family name
Got Harry Potter, Order of the Phoenix squatters up in my face
Sirius Black back, acting like he owns the place

Welcome to the House of Black
Go ahead, make yourself at home and relax
Let me get your jacket; I’ll help you unpack this
While I’m at it, I’ll fix you a bath quick
If you need anything, just please ask it
Wait, I think I forgot your gift basket
If you haven’t noticed, I’m sarcastic
No hit the road, Jack, or you’re leaving in a casket

(What right of you to drive us out?
What right? Let me through!)

Just when you thought it was safe to break
Into my place and take everything but the drapes
Don’t expect me to bake you a cake
Or smile in your face when I’m so full of hate (come on!)
It’s my house, my rules, I win, you lose
You need to move out, so find your shoes
And if you’re crying about being abused, it’s old news
It’s the story of my life; I’ve got the scars to prove
I’m not the host with the most; got the least, in fact
I’m like a ghost who floats, like insomniacs
I see Regulus Black in dreams and flashbacks
And I scream out loud ’cause I think that he’s back
But, the fact is that Sirius Black is my master
That backstabbing bastard
Ran from Azkaban with a master plan
With the Order of the Phoenix hand in hand
You know, it’s a little bit presumptuous
To show up to a house and just rummage it
Yo, so I’m a-do like Umbridge did
And just lay down the law for these crummy kids
Here we go

First rule, just leave things where you see ’em
Act like the House of Black was a museum
Second rule, shut up, put your hands high up
So I know you’re not stealing my stuff (did it!)

The dishes in the kitchen and the pictures of witches and wizards
Don’t touch that!
The stacks of old books and folded maps, the mould that’s growing in the cracks
Don’t touch that!
The Doxies in the curtains, don’t hurt ’em; be polite to the spiders
Don’t touch that!
The Black family tapestry, cabinets that are packed to capacity
Don’t touch that!

The dishes in the kitchen and the pictures of witches and wizards
Don’t touch that!
The stacks of old books and folded maps, the mould that’s growing in the cracks
Don’t touch that!
The Doxies in the curtains, don’t hurt ’em; be polite to the spiders
Don’t touch that!
The Black family tapestry, cabinets that are packed to capacity
Don’t touch that!

(So step up if you want to get hurt!
Did it!)

I’m not trying to be inhospitable
But I’ll admit I’m just a little irritable
I’ve hit my limit; you kids got me miserable
I’m not religious, but I’m praying for a miracle
Or maybe Tom Riddle will hit you with an Unforgivable Curse
That leaves you in the care of a nurse
In a world of hurt, covered in dirt
Crying out for your mother, or worse, trying to hail a hearse
I’m done being gracious, I’m losing my patience
Y’all didn’t even call to make reservations
I’ll pay you to take a vacation
A one-way ticket to faraway destinations (did it!)

The dishes in the kitchen and the pictures of witches and wizards
Don’t touch that!
The stacks of old books and folded maps, the mould that’s growing in the cracks
Don’t touch that!
The Doxies in the curtains, don’t hurt ’em; be polite to the spiders
Don’t touch that!
The Black family tapestry, cabinets that are packed to capacity
Don’t touch that!

The dishes in the kitchen and the pictures of witches and wizards
Don’t touch that!
The stacks of old books and folded maps, the mould that’s growing in the cracks
Don’t touch that!
The Doxies in the curtains, don’t hurt ’em; be polite to the spiders
Don’t touch that!
The Black family tapestry, cabinets that are packed to capacity
Don’t touch that!

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